The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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