This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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