I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i think i have two assholes
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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