why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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