he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
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I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
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I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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