She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
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The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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