You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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