so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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