I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
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he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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