bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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