I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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