Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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