Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
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I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
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All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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