I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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