break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
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i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
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You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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