are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
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I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This baby is an asshole
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
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I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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