I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
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I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
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You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You are the jesus of drinking
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