My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
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There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
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Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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