It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
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If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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