I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
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You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
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I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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