Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
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I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
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Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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