Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
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I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I will pee on everything he values.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
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"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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