I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize