i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my shit smells like andre
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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