one word: firstdatebathroomanal
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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