I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
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he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
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I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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