So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize