i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
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Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
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I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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