Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
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There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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