I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
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It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
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It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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