Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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