i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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