Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize