Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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