i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
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Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
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If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
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you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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