Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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