Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
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As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
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We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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