Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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