Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
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I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
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American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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