____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize