dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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