My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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