she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
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On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
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I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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