Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
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We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
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Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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