I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
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The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
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Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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