I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
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I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
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Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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