Who wears a wallet chain?!
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
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He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
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he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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