Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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