dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
