So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
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It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
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Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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