You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
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I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
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The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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